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Church Tales


E-mail Stories Archive


All Men and All Girls


When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers , she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"


Power of Prayer

A preacher and a cab driver die at the same time. At the gates of Heaven, Saint Peter hands the preacher a small set of white wings, then hands the cabby a large set of gold wings.

"Why," the preacher asks, "does that cabby get gold wings?"

Saint Peter says, "While you were preaching, people were sleeping. While he was driving, people were praying!"


Ask Jonah 

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying.  Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man.  When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked, and went back to what he was doing.

After a while, he turned to her and asked,  "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied,  "Of course I do.  It is the Bible."

He said,  "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"

She replied,  "Oh, Jonah.  Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked,  "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said,  "Well, I don't really know.  I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.


Shortest Distance

The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor. The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything.


Naked, And Afraid

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back, "Revelation 3:20", and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation, "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."


Praise the Lord!

 An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and or her boldness in talking about it.  She would stand on her front porch and shout,  "PRAISE THE LORD!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"  

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!  God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."

The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

 The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself!  God didn't!"

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD!  He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"


Life In The Monastery

Brother Baku entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Head Friar said, "Welcome Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother Baku lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Head Friar said to him: "Brother Baku, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words."

Brother Baku said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Head Friar said. "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Brother Baku was called by the Head Friar. "You may say another two words, Brother Baku."

"Cold food," said Brother Baku, and the Head Friar assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Head Friar summoned Brother Baku to hear his allowed two words.

"I quit," said Brother Baku.

"It is probably best," said the Head Friar. "You've done nothing but complain since you've been here."


I Was Warned!

A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school for when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing. He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"


The Lord's Army

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."


The 23rd Psalm

In his beautiful book, I Shall Not Want, Robert Ketchum tells of a Sunday School teacher who asked her group of children if anyone could quote the entire Twenty-third Psalm. A golden-haired, four-and-a-half- year-old girl was among those who raised their hands.

A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the rostrum, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said: "The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want." She bowed again and went and sat down. That may well be the greatest interpretation ever heard.


The Preacher and The Song Leader

There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along, This began to spill over into the worship service. One week the preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The song leader then led the song; I Shall Not Be Moved.

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The song leader then led the song; Jesus Paid It All.

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The song leader then led the song; I Love To Tell the Story.

The preacher became very disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The song leader then led the song; Oh Why Not Tonight.

As it came to pass, the preacher resigned and the next week informed the church that it was Jesus that led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The song leader then led the song; What A Friend We Have in Jesus.


Is The Packaging Important To You?

 A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.

Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold. Angrily, he raised his voice to his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day.

Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.

When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. His father had carefully underlined a verse, Matt 7:11, "And if ye, being evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly father which is in heaven, give to those who ask Him?"

As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words

... PAID IN FULL.


B I B L E 

A father was approached by his small son, who told him confidently, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "So what does it mean?"

That's easy, Daddy. It stands for "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth."

Leave it to a child to figure out.


Heaven Bound

The preacher walked into a pub and said to the  first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I sure do ."

The preacher said,  "Leave this pub right now!"

He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, ," was the man's reply.

"Then leave this den of Satan!" said the Preacher

The preacher then walked up to O'Toole and  asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole replied: "No, I don't ."

The preacher looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die? Yes, Preacher! I  thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"


The Cross

The young man was at the end of his rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer. "Lord, I can't go on," he said. "I have too heavy a cross to bear."

The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish."

The man was filled with relief. "Thank you, Lord," he sighed, and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall.

"I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered.

And the Lord replied, " My son, that is the cross you just brought in."

When life's problem seems overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far more fortunate than you imagined.


Church Bulletin Bloopers

1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
 
3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
 
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
 
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
 
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
 
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
 
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
 
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
 
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
 
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
 
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
 
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
 
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.  The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
 
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
 
16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
 
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
 
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
 
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
 
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success.  Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
 
21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs.Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
 
22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
 
23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
 
24)  Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
 
25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:  GOD IS GOOD   Dr. Hargreaves is better.
 
26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
 
27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
 
28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
 
29) Pastor is on vacation.  Massages can be given to church secretary...
 
30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 
31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
 
32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
 
33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.


Still More Church Bulletin Bloopers 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
 --------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon  tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
 --------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
 --------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
 --------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
 --------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
 --------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 --------------------------

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
 --------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
 --------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
 --------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
 --------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 --------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 --------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 --------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
 --------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
 --------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
 --------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
 --------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
 --------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
 --------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
 --------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
 --------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the  Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
 --------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Baptist Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
 --------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
 


Church Signs

Free Trip to heaven.  Details Inside!

Try our Sundays.  They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

Searching for a new look?  Have your faith lifted here!

An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed & a headline that reads: "For fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays."   The church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

Have trouble sleeping?  We have sermons -- come hear one!

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

God so loved the world that he did not send a committee.

Come in and pray today.  Beat the Christmas rush!

When down in the mouth, remember Jonah.  He came out alright.

Sign broken.  Message inside this Sunday.

Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.

How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Nonsmoking?

Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.

Come work for the Lord.  The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low.   But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.

If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.

Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.

This is a CH_ _ CH. What is missing?"   ---------> (U R)

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

In the dark?  Follow the Son.

Running low on faith?  Stop in for a fill-up.

If you can't sleep, don't count sheep.  Talk to the Shepherd.


Couldn't Stop Preaching!

The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
 
The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.
 
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
 
But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.       
 
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:
 
"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my  dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"


Don’t Shove Me! 

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday School. As she ran she prayed. "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late"....

All of the sudden, she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty. She got up, brushed herself off and started running   again, praying, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...but, DON'T SHOVE ME ANYMORE, I AM RUNNING AS FAST AS I CAN!"


Embroidering Life

When I was little, my mother used to sew a great deal. I would sit at her knee and, looking up from the floor, ask what she was doing.  She informed me that she was embroidering.

From the underside, I watched her work within the boundaries of the round wooden hoop she held in her hand.  I complained that it sure looked like a mess from where I sat.

She would smile at me, look down and gently say, "Child, you go about your   playing for a while. When I am finished I will put you in my lap and let you see it from my side."

I would wonder why she was using some dark threads among the bright ones and why it looked so jumbled from my view. A few minutes would pass and I would hear Mother say, "Child, come and sit on my lap and see."

I did this and was always so surprised to see a beautiful flower or a sunset. I couldn't believe it because from underneath it looked so awful.

Then Mother would say to me, "From underneath it looked messy and jumbled, but you did not realize there is a plan on the top.  It was a design.  I was only following it.  Look at it from my side and you will see what I was doing."

Many times through the years I have looked up to heaven and said, "Father, what are You doing?"
 
He has answered, "I am embroidering your life."
 
And I say, "But it looks like a mess to me.  It seems so jumbled. Some of the threads seem so dark.  Why can't it all be bright?"

The Father then tells me, "My child, you go about the business of doing My business.  One day I will bring you to Heaven and you will then be able to see the plan from My side."


Funeral Cookies

An elderly man (about 71) lay dying in his bed.  In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
 
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even  greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both  hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
 
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in  heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.  Was it heaven? Or was it  one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left  this world a happy man?
 
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.  His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. 

The aged and withered hand, shakily made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

 "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."  


Hot, And Waiting

It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

”Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.”


Kids in Church

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<   >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

 "Mommy, look what I found," the boy called out.

 "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered:

"I think it's Adam's suit!" 

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<   >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<   >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

 <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<   >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<   >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle...and He just then did!"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<   >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<   >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<   >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, sir.... and my Mom says it's a real bi_ch to iron."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<   >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

One Sunday morning, the preacher noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church building. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the preacher walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."  

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Brother McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. 

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."  

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, Sunday morning, or Sunday evening?"


Last Rites

 A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.

There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young preacher started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.

After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "I wonder if he knows that's a septic tank?"


Revival Success

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"


More Humor

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.


An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them  to take me out when I'm dead."


A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."



A funeral home contains the best friends that an individual has--you can be sure that they will be the last ones to let you down!

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to  church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."


A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took  Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"


A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I"

Ready to play the game she said, "Now, let me see...I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't  recognize me!"


A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the  first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."


Bargain

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally, Adam says to God, "Well, then, what can I get for a rib?"


More About The Little Ones

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

* * * * * * * * * *

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"


There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets,"
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.

 Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

 "Preacher," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.
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Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
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One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

Her daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts."

 Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the Pastor
stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.



These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Baptist Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

God's Garden

Plant three rows of squash:
1. Squash gossip
2. Squash criticism
3. Squash indifference

Plant seven rows of peas:
1. Prayer
2. Promptness
3. Perseverance
4. Politeness
5. Preparedness
6. Purity
7. Patience

Plant seven heads of lettuce:

1. Let us be unselfish and loyal
2. Let us be faithful to duty
3. Let us search the scriptures
4. Let us not be weary in well doing
5. Let us be obedient in all things
6. Let us be truthful
7. Let us love one another

No garden is complete without turnips:

1. Turn up for church
2. Turn up for meetings, in prayer, and Bible study
3. Turn up with a smile, even when things are difficult
4. Turn up with determination to do your best in God's service

After planting, may you grow in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (2 Peter 3:18) And may you reap rich results.

Make sure your garden gets plenty of exposure to the SON!


Old Lady & The Tract Boy

Every Sunday afternoon, after the morning service at their church, the Pastor and his eleven year old son would go out into their town and hand out Gospel Tracts.

This particular Sunday afternoon, as it came time for the Pastor and his son to go to the streets with their tracts, it was very cold outside as well as pouring down rain. The boy bundled up in his warmest and driest clothes and said, "Okay, dad, I'm ready."

His Pastor dad asked, "Ready for what ?"

"Dad, it's time we gather our tracts together and go out."

Dad responded, "Son, it's very cold outside and it's pouring down rain."

The boy gave his dad a surprised look, asking, "But Dad, aren't people still going to Hell, even though it's raining?"

Dad answered, "Son, I am not going out in this weather."

Despondently, the boy asked, "Dad, can I go? Please?"

His father hesitated for a moment then said, "Son, you can go. Here are the tracts; be careful, son."

"Thanks, Dad!!!" And with that, he was off and out into the rain.

This eleven year old boy walked the streets of the town going door to door and handing everybody he met in the street a Gospel Tract. After two hours of walking in the rain, he was soaking, bone-chilled wet, and down to his very last tract. He stopped on a corner and looked for someone to hand a tract to, but the streets were totally deserted.

Then he turned toward the first home he saw and started up the sidewalk to the front door and rang he door bell. He rang the bell, but nobody answered. He rang it again and again, but still no one answered. He waited but still no answer. Finally, this eleven year old trooper turned to leave, but something stopped him. Again, he turned to the door and rang the bell and knocked loudly on the door with his fist. He waited, something holding him there on the front porch. He rang again, and this time the door slowly opened.

Standing in the doorway was a very sad-looking elderly lady. She softly asked, " What can I do for you, son?"

With radiant eyes and a smile that lit up her world, this little boy said, "Ma'am, I'm sorry if I disturbed you, but I just want to tell you that Jesus really does love you, and I came to give you my very last Gospel Tract which will tell you all about Jesus and His great love." With that, he handed her his last tract, and turned to leave.

She called to him as he departed. "Thank you, son! And God bless you!"

Well, the following Sunday morning in church, Pastor Dad was in the pulpit. As the service began, he asked, " Does anybody have a testimony or want to say anything?" Slowly, in the back row of the church building, an elderly lady stood to her feet.

As she began to speak, a look of glorious radiance came from her face as she, "No one in this church knows me. I've never been here before. You see, before last Sunday I did not believe in Christ. My husband passed on some time ago, leaving me totally alone in this world.

"Last Sunday, being a particularly cold and rainy day, it was even more so in my heart that I came to the end of the line where I no longer had any hope or will to live. So I took a rope and a chair and ascended the stairway into the attic of my home. I fastened the rope securely to a rafter in the roof, then stood on the chair and fastened the other end of the rope around my neck.

"Standing on that chair, so lonely and brokenhearted, I was about to leap off, when suddenly the loud ringing of my doorbell downstairs startled me. I thought, 'I'll wait a minute, and whoever it is will go away.' I waited and waited, but the ringing doorbell seemed to get louder and more insistent, and then the person ringing also started knocking loudly. I thought to myself again, 'Who on earth could this be?! Nobody ever rings my bell or comes to see me.' I loosened the rope from my neck and started for the front door, all the while the bell rang louder and louder.

"When I opened the door and looked, I could hardly believe my eyes, for there on my front porch was the most radiant and angelic little boy I had ever seen in my life. His smile, oh, I could never describe it to you!! And the words that came from his mouth caused my heart, that had long been dead, to leap to life, as he exclaimed with a cherub-like voice, 'Ma'am, I just came to tell you that Jesus really does love you!' Then he gave me this Gospel Tract that I now hold in my hand.

"As the little angel disappeared back out into the cold and rain, I closed my door and read slowly every word of this Gospel Tract. Then I went up to my attic to get my rope and chair. I wouldn't be needing them any more.

"You see, since the address of your church was on the back of this Gospel Tract, I have come here to personally say 'Thank you' to God's little angel who came just in the nick of time and, by so doing, spared my soul from eternity in hell."

There were now no dry eyes in the church. And as shouts of praise and honor to the King resounded off the very rafters of the building, Pastor Dad descended from the pulpit to the front pew where the little angel was seated. He took his son in his arms and sobbed uncontrollably.

Probably no church has had a more glorious moment, and probably this universe has never seen a Papa that was more filled with love & honor for his son --except for one. This Father also allowed His Son to go out into a cold and dark world. He received His Son back with joy unspeakable, and as all of heaven shouted praises and honor to the King, The Father set His beloved Son on a throne far above all principality and power and every name that is named.

There may be someone reading this who is also going through a dark, cold, lonely time in his or her soul. You may even be a Christian, for we are not without problems, or you may not yet know the King. Whatever the case and whatever the problem or situation you find yourself in, and no matter how dark it may seem, I want you to know that I just came to tell you that Jesus really does love you.

May the Love and Grace and Mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ be yours this day!


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