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Just Plain Funny!


E-mail Stories Archive


Too Honest?

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the Principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the Principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now ...
 

 

I Remember

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association. It was great."

"Wow! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"


Vacas Locas

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country...

Maybe we should give them all a cow!


Duke Fans

A first grade teacher in Durham, NC, explains to her class that she is a Duke fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Duke fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except the little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, " Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Duke fan " she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked "Well, if you are not a Duke fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Kentucky fan, if you must know," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, WHY are you a Kentucky fan?"

"Because my Mom is a Kentucky fan, my Dad is a Kentucky fan, so I am a Kentucky fan, also."

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Kentucky fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your Mom was snotty and arrogant, and your Dad was snotty and arrogant, what would you be then?"

"Then" Janie smiled, "We'd be Duke fans."


Are You Sitting Down?

 

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:  "Hi, how are you?"

  

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

  

And the other guy says: "So, what are you up to?"

  

What kind of question is that?  At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

  

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

  

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.  I tell him, "No...I'm a little busy right now!!!"

  

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

  

"Listen, I'll have to call you back.  There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

 


Brilliant Deduction!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.

"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"


Just Like A Woman!

 

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

  

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table.

  

And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

  

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

  

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.

  

He just wouldn't let up one minute.

  

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her...

  

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat!"

 


Obituary

It is with the saddest hearts that we must pass along the following news.
 
Please join with us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
 
The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
 
The Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described the Dough boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
 
The Dough boy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered the smartest cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flakey at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
 
The Dough boy is survived by his young wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus, they had one bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
 
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Who Says Rednecks Aren't Resourceful?

"FBI. How may I help you?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Billy Bob Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

The agent asks for directions to Billy Bob's house.

"Thank you very much for the call, sir. We'll check it out."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece of wood, searching for the hidden marijuana, but find none. They swear at Billy Bob and leave.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy new year's, Buddy!"


Something To See

A professor was conducting a class in decision making. In his first drill, he picked a student from Georgia.

"Now son," he said, "I want you to tell me the decision you'd make in this situation. You're driving a fully-loaded truck down a mountain road at seventy miles an hour. Just as you get close to an oncoming truck, two cars pull out from behind him to pass. You hit the brakes and your brakes go out. On your right side is a five-hundred foot cliff; on your left side in a one-thousand foot precipice. Now, son, you have three seconds. What would you do?"

"Well," the boy drawled, "I reckon I'd wake up Leroy."

"Leroy!" the professor exclaimed. "Who's Leroy?"

"Leroy's my relief driver, sir. You see, he's from a small country town, and I'd want to wake him up, 'cause he ain't never seen an accident like this before."


Down, But Not Out

Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his boss.  Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium, he realizes that the seat is located in the last row in the corner farthest from the field. But halfway through the  first quarter, he notices an empty seat right on the 50-yard line, so he makes his way over to it.

Before he sits down though he asks the man next to him, "Excuse me, is someone sitting here?"

The man says no.

"Wow," says Bob. "Who would have a Superbowl ticket and not use it?"

"Well, actually,"  says the man, "the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to bring my wife but she died. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been at together since we were married back in '69." 

"I'm sorry," says Bob, "But couldn't you bring a friend or relative?"

"No," answers the man. "They're all at the funeral."


Quick Wit

The farmer had been taken so many times by the local car dealer that when the dealer wanted to buy a cow, the farmer priced it to him like this: Basic cow, $200; two-tone exterior, $45; extra stomach $75; product storage compartment, $60; dispensing device, four spigots at $10 each, $40; genuine cowhide upholstery, $125; dual horns, $15; automatic fly swatter, $35. Total = $595.


Good Advice?

A lady was lost in her car in a bad snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her:  If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got lost in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded, and said "Well I'm through with the Wal-Mart lot, now you can follow me over to the K- Mart."


At The Zoo

A blonde lady motorist was two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so we went to the movies, too!!!"


A Pretty Penny

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave.

On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."

The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount..."


Make Sure He's Dead

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"


Eat Your Mushrooms

An attractive young lady attending a church revival stopped to make conversation with the visiting preacher. She remarked, "You know, I'm a three-time widow?"

The preacher replied, "I am so sorry! That is so tragic! Tell me, how did such a terrible thing happen three times to a such a young lady?"

"Well, I married my first husband, and he was a real pig! We hadn't been married but a few months, when he up and died."

The preacher asked sympathetically, "Well, what killed him?"

"Poison mushrooms!" she exclaimed.

"How horrible! And your second husband, what happened to him?"

"My second husband, sorry excuse for a man that he was, also died suddenly after a few months marriage."

"And what killed your second husband?" asked the man.

"Why, it was poison mushrooms, just like my first husband!"

By now, the preacher was suspicious of the cause of the deaths. "And the third husband--let me guess--poison mushrooms?"

"No!" she retorted, tossing her head. "A cracked skull--I couldn't get him to eat his mushrooms!"


Listen!

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The angry man immediately leans out his window and yells back, "WITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

MORAL OF THE STORY: If only men would listen...


Intelligence Quiz

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.


Last Rites

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.

There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young preacher started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.

After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman ask the other, "Should we tell him that's a septic tank?"


You've Got Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again, marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'"


Hanging Fire

In his book Laughing Out Loud And Other Religious Experiences, Tom Mullen tells about an engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian who were on a hunting trip in northern Canada. They knocked on the door of an isolated cabin seeking shelter and rest. The cabin was not, at the moment, occupied, but the front door was unlocked. They entered the small, two-room cabin and noticed something quite unusual. A large potbellied, cast-iron stove was suspended in mid-air by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

Why would a stove be elevated from the floor? Each of them began to look behind the phenomenon for "hidden meanings." The psychologist concluded, "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated his stove so he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to his mother's womb."

The engineer surmised, "The man is practicing laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

But the theologian had a better explanation. "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has a religious meaning. Fire lifted up has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The psychologist, the engineer, and the theologian continued their debate for some time without really resolving the issue. Finally, when the trapper returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his potbellied stove by wires from the ceiling.

His answer was rather simple: "Had plenty of wire, not much stovepipe!"


Bus Puzzler

You're driving a bus that is departing from Pennsylvania with a destination of New York. When starting off, there are 32 passengers on the bus.

At the next bus stop, 11 people get off and 9 people get on. 

At the next bus stop, 2 people get off and 2 people get on. 

At the next bus stop, 12 people get on and 16 people get off. 

At the next bus stop, 5 people get on and 3 people get off. 

What color are the bus driver's eyes? Answer


Dealing With Frustration

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."


Mozart's Last?

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."


Ten Dollars

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but then, ten dollars is ten dollars."


Low Tech High Tech

AMISH VIRUS: Thou hast just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity nor computers, thou art on the honor system. Please delete all of thy files.

Thank thee.


Wait A Minute!

This guy was lonely, so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to buy a soft drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to McDonald's with me and have a coke?"

There was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to McDonald's, and having a coke with me?"

Again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to McDonald's and have a coke with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."


E-I-E-I-O

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled  E-I-E-I-O."


Answer to Bus Puzzler

The key to understanding the problem is focusing on the right information. If we assume it is critical to keep track of the number of people getting on and off the bus, we focus on information that turns out to be inessential. It distracts us from the important information. The answer to the problem is found in the first sentence. YOU are driving the bus so the color is of course the color of YOUR eyes. If you didn't get it right, don't worry. The majority of people don't answer correctly. If  you got it right, you have exceptional problem solving skills.

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